var msg = new Array(); Stamp = new Date(); today = Stamp.getDate(); msg[1] = "People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting soaked by the government."; msg[2] = "A man walked into the Internal Revenue Service's office, sat down and smiled at everyone. \"May I help you?\" said the clerk in charge. \"No,\" said the man. \"I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.\""; msg[3] = "Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing."; msg[4] = "A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, \"Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.\" \"Thank God,\" returned Mr. Carr, \"I thought you were going to want cash!\""; msg[5] = "America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer."; msg[6] = "At income tax time did you ever notice that when you put the two words \"THE\" and \"IRS\" together it spells \"THEIRS\"?"; msg[7] = "George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040."; msg[8] = "A little boy wanted $100 and prayed for it but nothing happened. Then he wrote God a letter requesting the $100. The postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA and decided to send it to the President. The President was impressed and amused. He instructed his secretary to send $5 to the boy. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy, pleased with the $5, sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read, \“Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me money. But, I noticed that you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, they deducted $95.\”"; msg[9] = "\"You know you\'re having a bad day when . . . Your income tax refund check bounces!\""; msg[10] = "\"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?\" asked the IRS auditor. \"Well,\" the taxpayer answered, \"while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I\'ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen\'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa.\" \"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?\" \"Well, you can see the villa, can\'t you?\""; msg[11] = "Where there\'s a will, there\'s an Inheritance Tax."; msg[12] = "A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. \"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad,\" he said to his boss. \"Should I give him his money back?\" \"Money back?\" roared the boss. \"What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.\" "; msg[13] = "Money doesn\'t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places."; msg[14] = "A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, \"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.\" \"And what,\" his friend asked, \"do you want me to do with your ashes?\" The businessman said, \"Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, \'Now, you have everything\'.\""; msg[15] = "Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: \"Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.\""; msg[16] = "The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2."; msg[17] = "If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can\'t we pay Congress not to raise taxes?"; msg[18] = "You know you\'re having a bad day when . . .The only messages in your voicemail are from your doctor, your mechanic, and the IRS."; msg[19] = "Overheard in a bar: \"If my business gets much worse, I won\'t have to lie on my next tax return.\""; msg[20] = "A pizza shop owner was being audited by the IRS. The deli owner asked, \"What is wrong? Why am I being audited?\" The IRS auditor replied, \"You have got two trips to Europe down as business expenses. What is your explanation?\" The pizza shop owner replied, \"We deliver!\""; msg[21] = "Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?"; msg[22] = "The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out. \"I don\'t know how to thank you, doc\", his mother started. \"I\'m not a doctor\", the man replied, \"I\'m from the IRS.\""; msg[23] = "The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding."; msg[24] = "The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, \"Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?\""; msg[25] = "Question: What is the difference between death and taxes? Answer: Congress does not meet every year to make death worse."; msg[26] = "A visitor from Holland was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag to an American friend. \"Our flag symbolizes our taxes,\" he said. \"We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.\" \"That\'s the same with us,\" the American said, \"Only we see stars, too.\""; msg[27] = "The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes."; msg[28] = "A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. \"Do you serve tax collectors?\", he asks the barman. \"Of course\", says the barman. \"Well,\" replies the man, \"I\'ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.\""; msg[29] = "How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report? Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it."; msg[30] = "Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. \"Give me your money,\" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, \"You can\'t do this - I\'m a US Congressman!\" \"In that case,\" replied the robber, \"Give me MY money!\""; msg[31] = "A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.";